So I did it!

When I applied for health insurance, I estimated my last day at my agency, figuring on a 3-week notice. Then I decided I couldn’t handle that, and would go for 2 weeks, because in my mind I had been waiting 3 months! I had planned to turn my notice in the next Tuesday after the 3-day weekend. What I didn’t expect was a phone call from Johnson the Thursday before. He said we would be having a meeting the next day where my name would be mentioned, and “not to worry, it was all good things.” And he had even spoken to our director about more money for me. I took a moment to ponder, and decided it was only fair for me to speak up. “Listen,” I said, “it’s funny you should call me about this right now…I think I have to tell you, I had planned to quit on Tuesday.”

“Wow, that’s not what I was expecting to hear…but hey I think that’s actually pretty great,” Johnson said, “The manager in me wants to ask what it would take for you to stay, but from a designer to another designer, I’m actually kind of envious. I think it’s a great time for designers in our area, and I know you’ll be successful no matter what.”

I was shocked. Pleasantly of course. Adrenaline pumped through my body, and I felt extremely grateful that my husband Ben was standing by my side as the conversation went on. I felt elated and frightened at the same time. “What does it all mean!?” I kept crying. Why would this happen right before I quit, and was it meant to be, was I supposed to stay? Or was it like…a test? I felt totally confused and yet still at peace. I was pretty sure I still wanted to quit, and felt so grateful that Johnson didn’t freak out on the phone.

So Friday I went into work. The big announcement was, they were changing how resources would be allocated, but the guy who would be in charge of assigning designers didn’t want to interrupt the “HP machine,” so that group would be separate, with one of my favorite coworkers at its head. Our managers would still be the same, but I would more commonly interact with her rather than Johnson (since he did very little managing, mostly resource allocation). And they announced that I would be officially called the HP Brand manager.

After the meeting, our Director pulled me into the conference room with Johnson and the new HP director. “We want you to stay” they said. Our director admitted that I had been underpaid, and said that mine would be the biggest raise they were giving that year. Later I calculated that it was around a 28% increase. If you’re wondering what I made before, think of a middle-to-low income, something you can get by on and do ok. Then the raise would be like ok, now I can really live, or reasonably have a stay-at-home spouse, which 2 of my coworkers had (which is why I always knew I made way too little). A little bubble of positive energy started to fill within me.

They asked if there was anything that would help me make the decision. I said that the money helped of course, and something else I had always thought would really improve things would be profit sharing, so people would feel like they had shared responsibility and reward for their work. Everyone laughed at this, saying “you’d have to write us a check.” (Because the agency was still pulling out of the recession.) I also shared that I had felt unappreciated, doing the job while not having the title, and they seemed understanding. I left the meeting still feeling a bit unsure, but more and more positive about the idea of staying.

I mean, picture this. There were 5 things on my list of “wants.” I wanted the title for the job I already did, and I didn’t want Johnson to be my boss anymore. These things were nearly about to happen, since my projects would now be assigned by someone else. I sat down with the HP director, and felt really good about working with her more in the future. But she did mention on a personal note “I know this is your first job out of college, and you may decide you still want something different. But if you want change while staying here at our agency, I am offering that.”

I called Ben crying, and told him everything. I felt like emotions were pouring out from every pore. Not all bad emotions, just so many: happiness, validation, excitement, but also nervousness, distrust, sadness at giving up my dream.

I told Ben that I was leaning towards staying. I would have to tell my favorite client that he wouldn’t have a fulltime contractor to work with anymore, and cancel the health insurance…but there seemed to be so many reasons to stay. I went to lunch with my best friends at the agency, and we talked about how great it would be to have vacation days and maternity leave, which I would lose as a contractor.

That afternoon, I finally stopped bouncing around long enough to do some real work. I sat there doing my HP project, and realized “this is what I’m going to be doing from now to infinity.” And I started thinking of my other 3 wishes: to work on different clients, to no longer sit 4 feet away from someone else, and to be in charge of my own destiny, answering to only myself. My little bubble of positive energy popped suddenly, and I just felt depressed.

I called my parents on the way home, once again tearing up in confusion. I told them everything that had happened, and half expected them to say, “Do the responsible thing. Take the money. Keep the job.” But to my gratitude and relief they said “it sounds like staying at the agency won’t make you happy.” My mom said I needed to find my “sweet spot,” in my job, and my dad asked if there was any possibility of contracting with the agency rather than working for them directly. Well maybe, I said…

The next day I called my best friend Pez and walked her through the latest events. “Is it a sign that, just as I was about to leave, and right before I turn in my notice, they offer me so many of the things I want?” I asked. “I don’t believe in that” said Pez. “I think you need to make the leap, because even though change is scary, it can also be really good.”

And my forever-loyal husband kept telling me he would support me no matter what. In the end, it was his belief in me that made the decision. He didn’t mind shouldering the bulk of our bills for the next few months while I got on my feet. He just wanted me to be happy. “And I would love for you to go in there and say, ‘Fuck that and fuck you Johnson!’” he exclaimed. You don’t really know Ben is serious unless he swears.

So that was that. Despite the money and some of the changes I had wanted, in the end I wanted to be my own woman. So I sat down and wrote my notice. I mentioned I would love to contract with the agency, and said how thankful I was for the experience and mentorship they had given me. Truly, I was and am grateful!

Two weeks later, I would be a free woman, beginning my life as a freelancer!